U/B 23: Why I don't call people who bully, bullies
Focus on the human's doings, not the human being
Hi!
I’m curious… After reading this letter will you think I’m incredibly virtuous or totally full of shit? The truth is somewhere in the middle.
I recently made a comment on LinkedIn about how human behaviors like bullying can be toxic to others but that I choose not to label a human being as toxic, or even “a bully”.
One commenter replied “Why can’t we call people who bully, bullies?!” which doesn’t strike me as a question that wants to be answered. I suppose it’s hard to be curious when one is hurting.
Hopefully you have a open mind today, because I’m attempting to provide a more complete answer.
TLDR: I think that labeling someone as “bully” paints them as an other, as a fixed identity, and perpetuates a binary mindset that people are either good or bad. I believe all humans, even those who bully, have hopes, dreams, fears, and love. I choose to focus on the person’s actions without constructing a larger picture about their identity, which is not wholly true and likely not useful nor beautiful in influencing how I show up, what I do and say.
Our words create our world
When we talk about something — especially if we give it a label or name — it takes shape, becomes real in our minds. It becomes “a thing”. (Alternatively, it’s not a thing unless people have talked about it enough.)
The more I write, the more I identify as a writer. Which is a Thing. Anyone in the act of writing is technically a writer in that moment. But to be labeled a “doer” when you are not in the act of doing requires some amount of past consistency. Our language falls short here. Nouns like “writer” can be a label for “one in the act of writing” but also “one who has done the act of writing often enough that we’ll label them as doer even when they’re not in the act”.
Not everyone who writes is a Writer (capital W because it’s a Thing). Even Writers aren’t writing all of the time. So it would make sense to say that not everyone who dances is a Dancer, not everyone who teaches is always a Teacher, or not everyone who bullies is always a Bully.
Last year I learned that I could view myself (and others) as verbs rather than nouns. I love this. It better reflects our nature as ever-changing beings.
You’ve heard that actions speak louder than words. Verbs are action: writing, teaching, bullying. They speak louder because they are observable facts. They are true.
Nouns that label a person as one who does that action — writer, teacher, bully — are stories we tell. The are interpretations to simplify complexity, putting a tidy bow on an otherwise dynamic and shifting human who does a whole lot more than just one action at a time.
Come to think of it, “to bully” isn’t even a legitimate action verb. It’s a story. What constitutes bullying? Some behaviors are obvious, e.g. physical assault or name-calling (which is labeling, btw). But bullying can be subtle, take the form of inaction, like excluding someone from the group. The verb is lacking objectivity, which is another reason why I am cautious.
Cursing the other
Did you know that words are magic? We cast spells and curses all the time1.
To call someone a bully is to put a curse on them. It labels them as other, building a wall that keeps us neatly isolated and presumably safe. But humans didn’t get this far in our evolution by being separated. We must work together. Talk with each other. Language is key to our survival.
I recall a past job where a colleague gossiped to me that a woman I hadn’t yet met was “a terrible human being.” I trusted this colleague and so I believed her story. Her words — a curse — affected my interactions with that other woman. It took years and a few close interactions for me to experience that she wasn’t a terrible human, she just had strong opinions and a tendency to take no shit. I actually kinda liked her.
Judging a human's action, not the human being
To be clear: I’m not saying to ignore bullying behavior. The behaviors are harmful. The person, however, is not inherently bad or evil. Nor are they static and unchanging. When we label people based on a few past actions, we acknowledge only part of the truth and shutting down possibility.
Am I cutting people too much slack? Maybe. Every situation, every human is different. People who bully are fighting demons that we often don’t understand. Those folks need kindness, compassion, and love too. Is that easy? Heck no. But wouldn’t it be beautiful?
This was a hard piece for me to write. I’ve worked with folks who bullied and it’s tempting to write them off as terrible people. But I’ve also done some uncool things that hurt people and I know I’m not a completely terrible person. We contain multitudes. We’re capable of growth.
What do you think?
Thank you for reading. Your attention is a gift.
Love,
Kate
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p.p.s. Are you an unsatisfied professional with a curious mind and open heart? Want to change your life? Send me a DM and we’ll talk.
Even virtuous labels (e.g. a good person) can be dangerous. We’re blinded by the halo effect and cannot see the whole of a situation.
The economy thrives on bullying, even divorce, it’s a divorce economy.