What if I was a verb, not a noun?
On self-limiting beliefs that I am a type of person
Dear friend, Thank you for your kind thoughts and words last week. I felt them.
This week, I’m building off the story of those internal voices. They don’t always serve me. I’m learning a concept that addresses unhelpful personal identities and weaves together two of my favorite things: personal growth and the power of words.
ICYMI: Last week I wrote about my anxiety around the threat of cancer and how it’s affecting my work.
On the topic of work… Some people might think my writing on Substack is not “real work” because it is not producing income. But it is creating value – for me, and hopefully for you. I consider this legitimate work, an investment in my growth and future. I hope you will remember this next time you brush off activities that don’t directly make money as not “real work”.
The self-limiting belief that I am a type of person
I am a writer, strategist, artist, cynic, optimist, woman, mother, amateur philosopher, gardener, cook, cat mom, among many others. I could even throw in some judgment and say I’m a good cook, decent mother, bad gardener, etc.
They’re not all permanent traits. Many are rooted in the past, based on actions I have taken. Maybe I think I am an artist because I went to art school. Or maybe I believe I’m not an artist, because I don’t make art every day.
The actions may be facts. I did go to art school and I don’t make art every day. The bits about who I am are stories I’m telling myself. And stories about the type of person I am are not always helpful.
The growth-minded belief that I am a verb, not a noun
Steve Chandler, a coach and author, has a beautiful concept that humans are not nouns, we are verbs. (It’s ironic that I labeled him as 2 nouns.) This is a new idea for me. I don’t understand it deeply, but I like it.
A noun is a person, place, or thing. Nouns are static. Nouns have enablers — aka adjectives — that keep them in noun state. I am a cynical person, a strategic person, an artistic person.
Of course I am a noun. But is that helping me grow? Or is that identity too rigid for a growth mindset? Sometimes it’s my ego letting me off the hook for what I think I should be. “I’m just not that type of person”.
A verb is action. Verbs move and change. I am writing, breathing, and shaking my left foot which makes me bounce a little on my inflated balance ball desk chair.
Dispelling unhelpful stories
In his book Crazy Good1, Chandler describes this interaction with one of his clients:
I was not willing to further the myth that she was a noun… Why would I want to participate with her in labeling her and limiting her with the labels — you’re generous, you’re not generous, you’re kind, you’re not kind, you’re courageous, you’re cowardly, you’re organized, you’re disorganized. None of these things helps anybody. None of them are even accurate for more than one or two seconds before everything changes.
Creating a more useful story
I still think it’s helpful to see myself as a type of person if that belief gets me moving. Who do I want to be right now? What would that version of me do?
When my daughter was in the local Girls on the Run program, I trained every other morning so I could run the end-of-season 5K with her. I am not a runner, but that story wasn’t helping me. I am a mother. And the kind of mother I want to be runs alongside her daughter to celebrate her accomplishments. That mothers wakes up early and uses an incremental training app to improve her strength and running stamina.
I discovered I could be a runner, a disciplined person, a morning person, a wildlife watcher, and other nouns I didn’t know I could be.
What might you learn about yourself if you chose a more useful story?
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Kate
p.s. As it turns out, the 5K was more like Girls on the Fast Walk, so the training was hardly necessary. But I’m so glad I did it.
https://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Good-CHOICES-Steve-Chandler/dp/1600250343
What a marvellous question! It becomes even more important when I realize that other people are also verbs. Perhaps I am a human becoming rather than a human being - although ‘being’ is a verb also.