U/B 24: I'm wrong, you're wrong, nothing is real, and there are infinite possibilities beyond what we're capable of perceiving
Choosing which lens to see the world through
Hi,
The way I see the world is wrong. You too. We’re all wrong.
Not “wrong” in the sense that I shouldn’t see it this way, but wrong in that it’s not true, not accurate. My perspective is one view, seeing only a fraction of what is possible.
That view is often colored by the scared and protective parts of my psyche. My ego, small self, lizard brain, whatever you want to call it. It hates uncertainty and discomfort because it’s responsible for keeping me alive and safe. It sees danger everywhere.
There are other ways to see. Other lenses I can choose.
Curiosity and possibility
This part of me wonders What if? What if the opposite were true? What if this was the best thing that could have happened in this moment? What if this was happening for me, not to me? What might I do next, if I believed the possibilities were infinite?
Compassion and connection
This part of me realizes we’re not separate beings. We’re actually connected, as expansive as the universe, influencing the world and each other with every action we take. This reminds me to look for the humanity in others, even if they seem wildly different from me.
Drifting or shifting between lenses
I think we’re more likely to find what we look for. The default mode looks for danger, threats. We can choose a more curious or compassionate lens.
Even still, that statement — that we can choose — is not a “truth” about humans. It’s my belief, my perspective. I can do it so I know it’s possible. For me, at least.
When I write, I shift into a more useful and beautiful lens. Actually, that’s not true. I write all over the place. I edit from curiosity and compassion.
And people do drift and shift between lenses all the time, sometimes within the same instant.
Last week, I wrote why I don’t call people who bully, bullies. I didn’t intend to “should” the reader, but you may have felt judged or advised depending on what lens you were looking through that day.
I’m cautious to not give advice or otherwise tell people what to do. It’s one of my Six Commitments. I occasionally slip up or allow broad judgments like “we must work together” which seems innocuous enough.
I’m discovering that some people will read what they think is there, rather than what is actually there. Take this sentence: To call someone a bully is to put a curse on them. It doesn’t actually say “don’t call someone a bully because it’s bad” but it would be easy to read it that way.
I want to share one particularly thoughtful response that I received which I think shows the person shifting between the lenses of self-protection, curiosity, and connection, all within a few paragraphs.
My knee jerk reaction to being asked to meet these types of situations and people with kindness and compassions feels like the old trope that as girls/women we need to be nice. I struggle to differentiate how meeting a bully with kindness isn’t being the subordinate to those who are domineering or hurtful.
I might suggest instead to approach the bully/toxicity with confidence in your own boundaries and an ability to be curious about what is at the root of the negativity. (I do not mean searching for a solution/fix. That is not the responsibility of the bullied.)
Being curious in this type of scenario is not particularly easy for me. It takes a little mental prep — to sit with my initial feelings — before I can go into a situation where I feel wronged (hurt, pushed around, neglected, etc) and ask what is really going on. Questions can disarm a low level antagonist. They may simply become frustrated and abandon the issue but sometimes repeated inquiries can unravel the perceived indignation/righteousness fueling the behavior.
Another side to this conversation is that sometimes I am the one who comes across as the bully/bitch because I hold confidence and firm boundaries. That is a hard thing to recognize and write, but it is true.
Perhaps, I wish that I could be approached with curiosity when labeled this way.
An interesting aspect of this bullying conversation is that it’s inherently about someone else (bully) doing something to you (victim). The first of my six personal commitments this year is to live life at cause, rather than effect. Regardless of what happens to me, I get to choose how I respond.
My ego doesn’t make that easy. It is quick to judge and prefers certainty, not curiosity. It labels situations and people as good or bad. It would rather not acknowledge that others have a perspective that doesn’t match mine.
Still, I can choose. So can you.
Thank you for reading. Your attention is a gift. ←I write those words every week and I mean it. I am honored that you choose to spend time with me.
Love,
Kate
p.s. Like this letter? Help others get value from it, too. Please tap the heart and restack it. Could you send it to 2 people you with a note saying why you like it?
p.p.s I’m a having a literal “Baby needs braces” moment (she got my teeth genes) and am picking up freelance work as I build my coaching practice. Know anyone who could use a mind like mine? I’m great at distilling big complex situations into clear, compelling messages. Content, communications, etc. Send me a DM, an email, or contact me via LinkedIn. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
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Thanks to
for the memes.
Lots of wisdom in your writing, thank you for sharing