When a spoonful of sugar doesn't work
Helping someone through an uncomfortable task
Hi friend,
Last week I wrote a serene post about how this year has been a gift. Yay! So uplifting.
This week, I screamed in frustration because my 9-yo refused to take her disgusting liquid antibiotic medicine.
This is why I talk about orbiting or returning to positivity. I don’t always keep my cool. Not even in crucial moments.
Logically, I know that a parent’s attitude affects the kid, but we were running late and all I kept thinking was, You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink… the nasty-ass medicine. GAAAH!
I get it. It’s gross. But sometimes we have to do uncomfortable things. Adults muscle through. (Unless they don’t.) Kids definitely don’t understand that future intangibles outweigh today’s bad experience.
There seemed to be no reward — even promises of giant Squishmallows! — great enough to overpower her disgust. I tried diluting with juice, mixing it with sugar (thanks for nothing, Mary Poppins). Threats of consequences just made her freak out even more. We set a timer. We set another timer. And another.
And this was just day 1 of 7! How on earth was I going to improve this scenario?
Willful action requires motivation (I want to do it) + ability (I can do it)
“I can’t do it!”
I know she can do it. She just doesn’t want to.
But she’s not 100% opposed, either. She agrees that it’s the right thing. There is a nugget of hope.
The medicine is bitter, thick, fibrous, and has the gall to call itself bubble-gum flavored. It tastes terrible. Even with your nose plugged. I understand her disgust1. If it were me, I’d drink it, slam the cup down, make a face, and say something like, “Damn! That’s nasty!”.
That gave me an idea.
Side note: Before I divulge this idea, let me just state that this isn’t supposed to be some self-congratulatory post about how I designed a working solution. That was an accidental success. I flailed and stumbled through the first several doses. It was finally on day 3, after much frustration and tears and “JUST DRINK IT AND GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!!” that we found a path that didn’t end in misery. Writing this post is a way for me to reflect. A mini-retrospective.
Back to the idea that worked.
Empower those who feel powerless
“You’re right! It is disgusting! Declare it as such. With vigor!”
“Damn! That’s nasty!”
As a 4th grader, she knows she’s not supposed to curse. She’ll say curse-lite phrases like “OMG” and my personal favorite, “What the flippers!?” but not “damn” or “shit” or other words that show up in pop songs and PG-13 movies (You know the ones).
By giving permission to break rules, I gave her power. Let her have some control. Agency.
Sip.
“Damn! That’s nasty!”
Sip.
“Damn! That’s gross!”
And so on until it was gone.
What’s funny is that she didn’t actually say the words. I did. I shouted and cheered her on. She laughed bashfully, wiping tears from her eyes. I called her a champion. We got through it.
Phew.
Thank you for reading. Your attention is a gift. If this post made you smile, please share that smile (or this post) with a friend.
Love,
Kate
p.s. She continued to be a champion the rest of the week. There were still stall tactics, but she’d overcome the biggest hurdle: knowing she was capable of doing a very uncomfortable thing.
p.p.s. You might enjoy I’m right so why won’t you listen to me, my tongue-in-cheek post about influencing people. It’s not advice. I named various tactics so you might make more conscious choices (and not use manipulation to get your way). Maybe the next version will include something about empowerment.
You don’t have to understand someone else’s experience for you to accept it. There will be situations where we cannot empathize. That doesn’t make it less true for them.