Unlearning: Stumbling toward a happier, more compassionate life
Also, I'm consulting now
Dear friend,
Note: The end of this post includes an announcement about my new consulting business where I help people (like you!) unlearn unhelpful things and learn super awesome creative things. As one of my subscribers, you are the first to hear about it. It’s so brand new it doesn’t even have a brand yet but I can promise this: It will be refreshing as hell.
Unlearning
From childhood and every experience since, I’ve learned how the world works. What is safe or unsafe, good or bad.
But that’s just what I experienced, not actually “how the world works”. So I’m working on unlearning some of these beliefs, and the thoughts and habits that go along with them.
Not everything needs to go, of course; there's some wisdom in there. I’m not sure I’d have the ability to do this work otherwise. But I'm determined to shed the habits, beliefs, and outdated stories that no longer serve me.
Is the belief useful? Is it beautiful?
I shared that adjusted William Morris quote online a few weeks ago with this note:
In trying to make sense of the world, I tell myself a lot of stories. They’re limited to my experience and aren’t necessarily true. But sometimes they are useful. Or beautiful. The hard but necessary part is killing my ego’s darlings, those beliefs that are neither useful nor beautiful.
By believing, knowing, and doing things over my 40+ years of life, I’ve built a system that has worked for me so far. After all, I am alive. I think that means it’s working, right?
That’s part of why it’s so hard to unlearn things. Unless you have some transformative moment (e.g. hitting rock bottom), you think your system is working for you. Or maybe you know it’s not working well, but it’s working enough. And by working just enough, it’s keeping you from transformation. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it1.
Identifying what is useful or beautiful — what serves me or not — depends on what I am trying to do. Which, I’d like to be more meaningful than just to survive.
I want to know the truths of the world. Actually, that’s not right. I want to be more at peace with complexity and ambiguity. With knowing that I’ll never understand the truths of the world because they are infinite. Recognizing that everyone holds alternative realities just like me.
What I am unlearning
Enough about why. What am I unlearning?
I've chosen to unlearn the stories and patterns that hold me back from living a happier, more deliberate, and compassionate life. Notions like:
If you are not right, you are not safe.
If it’s uncomfortable, it’s not safe.
If people don’t like you, you are not safe.
If people aren’t like you, they are wrong.
If it doesn’t go as expected, something went wrong.
If something goes wrong, it’s usually someone’s fault.
If someone else wins, you lose.
Failure is bad.
You are as valuable as other people think you are.
If something doesn’t make sense to you, it’s not worthwhile.
Distractions and destructive behaviors (social media, television, alcohol, etc) are inevitable.
The world is unkind.
You’ve probably had life experiences that led you to believe some of these stories, too. And perhaps some of them are working for you, depending on your definition of success.
How I am unlearning
I’ve never thought about my unlearning process before now. Before writing this. Which is kind of meta.
Writing is a great way to work through my thoughts. I write pages and pages of garbage. Eventually, I find something that works, then I share it with you, here on Substack.
In a way, I’ve read and written my way into present moment awareness. That’s the point. I can’t discard unhelpful thoughts unless I realize I’m having them.
It starts with a feeling, often in the form of anxiety, pressure, or disdain. I pause. I consider what thoughts might be causing that feeling. I ask myself:
Is this thought true?
Is it a story? A narrative trying to make sense of facts?
Is it useful?
Is it beautiful?
If it’s not useful or beautiful? Well… I can’t prevent these thoughts from occurring. They just materialize. But I can prevent the trap of believing all my thoughts are true. And saying “hey, that’s not actually true” is a good way to let them go.
It can be particularly hard to let the thoughts go if they’re wrapped up in my identity2. Thoughts like “I am not good at prioritizing” or “I’m an introvert and am bad at socializing.” These things may be true on occasion, but they don’t define me. When I realize I’m thinking that way, I pause and ask what would serve me in this moment, with what I’m trying to do right now?
My kids are super helpful in keeping me present. They’re young enough that they still mostly live in the moment. I get to actively watch them grow, invent their realities, and declare their truths. Like Mom’s job is more fun than Dad’s because she gets to make LEGO ducks3. I like to wonder what’s going on their heads, how they must think the world works. It’s deeply meaningful to know I’m helping create their narratives. The responsibility is immense.
Probably the best external-to-me decision I’ve made in regards to my personal growth is hiring a coach. He asks brilliant questions that help me recognize and move past unhelpful thoughts. It’s ironic, maybe, because I do that for other people but still seek help for myself. The outside perspective is refreshing.
All that said, I am learning to unlearn.
It seems to be working for me.
Could it work for you?
Love,
Kate
Do you want help unlearning?
This part of today’s post announces my new business. I promise to never post purely promotional content.
Heads up! I am launching a consulting business.
No cliches, no advice (unless you ask), just digging into what it takes for you to improve as a leader. Plus a side of personal growth.
Over 20 years, I’ve worked in the arts, museums, higher ed, tech, nonprofit, for profit, services, products, open source, small business, and large matrix organizations. All shared the same complexity: Humans working together. Humans making assumptions. Humans having wants, needs, and fears that influence their behavior and decisions. Ugh! So messy.
I’ve seen so many talented, compassionate people held back by fears – real and imagined. I’ve been driven to frustration then fascination by social hierarchies and stated value systems. I’ve cried at the beauty and frailty of humans just being themselves.
I’m concerned about today’s burnout, tomorrow’s future of work, and the state of leadership in American society. Let’s make positive change.
Consulting services
I can help you:
Build trust and a healthy team culture
Develop first-time leaders
Set the big picture: Values, vision, and mission
Prioritize goals and strategy
Develop a value proposition and brand
Communicate clearly
Create conditions for creativity
Develop continuous improvement practices
Offerings include virtual or in-person (Raleigh-Durham North Carolina):
One-to-one or Team thought partner and advisor
Trainings, workshops, and retreats
Fractional Chief-of-Staff (strategic guidance + leadership development + communication support)
Sound interesting?
There’s no website yet. I’ll share links at the bottom of future posts.
If you’re curious now, reply to this post. Tell me a little about the change you seek to make. Or just say hello.
Thanks!
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it is a story. Sometimes it’s helpful. Not always. You get to decide.
See my prior post about identity and self-limiting beliefs: What if I was a verb, not a noun?
Can you spot the LEGO duck in the image of my desk? This is from a workshop I taught.