U/B 9: To feel cared for

How having cancer soothed the deep rejection of being laid off

Remember: You can choose thoughts that are more useful and beautiful.

Hi!

When was the last time you didn’t say what you were really thinking?

Civilized society is possible (in part) because adults are able to bite their tongue. To repress who we are — or at least how we feel in the moment — in order to keep the peace.

And it’s good to be thoughtful, to respond instead of react. With practice, we can be more intentional. Choose our thoughts and actions. I love that because it means we can become who we want to be instead of who we’ve learned to be.

But it takes energy — all that thinking and evaluating, weighing and choosing. Alert states vs resting states. Doing vs being. Sometimes you just need to be.

Belonging is necessary

Humans are social animals and need to belong. Or at least feel like we belong. Not all the time and not to every group. But we need periods of being witnessed and accepted. And most of all, loved.

I think the purest belonging happens when we feel loved unconditionally, regardless of how we show up, what we say or do. I hope you have this in your life. Maybe it’s a parent, child, spouse, best friend, spiritual leader. Your cat or dog? Houseplants probably don’t carry the same weight.

After a long day, you might vent to someone you trust. It feels necessary to express what feels real and authentic after having to restrain and overthink.

Plant-parents, keep me honest — Do you vent to your babies?

lil’ mandrake buddy in front of some of my plant babies

Belonging vs rejection

This may seem obvious — this stuff about belonging — but there’s a new understanding informing my writing this week.

I’ve been thinking about how calm I feel about my cancer. I am super lucky that I have one of the most treatable types of breast cancer (Luminal A, detected early). But it’s more than that. For months, I’ve been surrounded by people whose job it is to help me heal.

Contrast that with my other big event last year: Being laid off. For 5 years, I’d received positive accolades and promotions. I’d bought into the organizational cultural ideals (which weren’t cultural realities, but that’s how it goes with humans at scale). I had no plans to leave.

The layoff cost so much more than a stable paycheck. A particularly painful loss was that community. In less than a week, people who I’d talked with daily were gone. Poof. I felt rejected, cast out. Not worth employing. No longer valuable.

Then a few months later… BAM! Cancer.

Stethoscope photo by Hush Naidoo Jade Photography on Unsplash

The plus side of being a cancer patient

Cancer may be terrifying but the treatment has been a balm for the deep rejection I felt after getting laid off.

I couldn’t have predicted when I wrote It’s happening for me, not to me, that the “for me” part was how much I needed connection and belonging, to feel cared for.

Being a cancer patient gave me a free pass to feel whatever the hell I was feeling. I remember a similar freedom years ago, the night my daughter was born. In labor, I felt free to be exactly as I was in that moment. No need to act a certain way to fit in or keep other people comfortable. I could say whatever came to mind. Scream. Whine. Chant. Pray. And no one would judge me. Or measure me (except my cervix). I was allowed to just be.¹

On the other hand…

Layoffs can feel like one giant performance by everyone involved. Most parties are on their best behavior, not wanting to offend or make it worse than it already is. There’s a lot of It’s just business. Don’t take it personally. I mean… come on. Someone — multiple people, even — decided that I wasn’t valuable enough to keep². That stings.

Cancer has allowed me to hurt in public. Without shame or stigma. Both “I was laid off” and “I have cancer” can make people uncomfortable. But at least the latter doesn’t make every interaction feel like I have to network.

On a lighter note…

I’m not a hypochondriac

What I’m learning from this period of care

I’m experiencing firsthand³ the value of being unconditionally supported exactly as you are, as I am, so I may heal and grow my own way.

It’s a useful and beautiful reminder. Maybe not all the time and everywhere, but at every once in while, humans need to feel complete and total belonging⁴.

Love unconditionally

Whenever possible, love others without wanting them to be anything other than they are. Easier said than done, I know. That’s why I remind myself to return, to remember. This is how I want to be, not how I act all the time.

You may think loving unconditionally doesn’t apply to work, but that’s not a useful or beautiful belief. It’s actually wildly valuable to allow team members to be exactly as they are. That doesn’t mean you can’t still help them grow and improve. The trick is not needing them to change⁵. If they sense your disapproval, there will be no sense of belonging.

Take care of myself

I must make sure my own needs are being met, so I have the energy to love and help.

I’ve heard there are high levels of burnout and addiction in many medical and service-oriented professions, and I’m beginning to understand why that might be. They’re constantly repressing their own needs in order to put others first. Those needs must be nurtured outside of the time to serve. As the metaphor goes: Put your own oxygen mask on first.

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This has been a period of rest and self-care. I’m coming out of it refreshed and ready to serve.

Now, how may I help you?

Love,

Kate

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p.p.s. Feeling stuck? I coach brilliant people who want to make serious progress in their lives. Send me a note if that sounds interesting.

1. I want to acknowledge that I’ve been lucky and likely privileged in my experiences. Many women, especially Women of Color, have less-than-ideal situations as patients.

2. A more beautiful thought is that I was too valuable to keep locked up so they set me free.

3. I now know what I previously believed. See this post for more about knowing vs believing.

The weight of cats and cancer

4. Especially kids! So often, I want my kids to be something other than they at that moment — calm, cheerful, obedient, etc — and it creates more conflict. I have to ask myself, Is what I currently want really crucial to their growth and development? Or is it just my preference, or I just want control?

5. I can help you with this. Keep reading these letters. Reach out to me personally if you want 1:1 help.