I decided this is the title
Making the decision to write about leadership, cancer, or possibly frogs
Dear friend,
Today’s title makes no sense but bear with me. I got some news last week that cut through my focus and paralyzed my ability to make decisions.
Specifically, I can’t decide what to write.
My daughter just peeked over my shoulder, read that line, and said “How about tree frogs? Or write about how I’m trying to help you?” Smart girl. Doesn’t overthink. Was I like that as a child? When did the fear and worry creep in?
Anyway, it’s not that I can’t decide. I can. I just haven’t.
Why? Because I have been preoccupied, waiting for the results of a biopsy to determine if I have breast cancer.
I started this Substack to write about leadership. It was never my plan to write about my physical health. But, apparently I’m doing just that (see, I can decide) because every human has personal issues and things that make them uncomfortable that affect their lives and the way that they show up at work.
Making the decision easier
A little work up front helps decisions down the road. This time, I’d made some commitments that I didn’t want to break.
I said I would publish
That decision was already made. The hazy part — the thing not yet decided — was what on Earth I’d write about.
I said I would be refreshing-as-hell
That’s hard to quantify, but in this instance I think it means:
Being more curious than certain. What might it be like to write a different way?
Not living in denial. Cancer scares me.
Choosing a more useful story. What if sharing personal news was not unprofessional?
Challenging assumptions. There is no right way to write.
The post
A conversation with my selves
There are many voices in my head. All of them were loud1 this week. I decided to listen. Here’s how that went.
Content warning: My inner voices talk about scary things like cancer, fear, layoffs, unemployment, shame gremlins, and philosophy. I’ll use a few curse words. I don’t think they’ll actually place a curse on you. Still, read at your own risk.
Me: I got my biopsy results. I don’t have breast cancer, yet. Probably. I do have to have surgery. It’s taken up a lot of brain space. I’m still writing daily. But I haven’t published anything this week. I’d say I can’t pick a direction but that’s not quite right. I can. I just… don’t feel up to it.
Also me: Wait. Hang on. Doesn’t the threat of cancer give you permission to cut yourself some slack? Remember that you just wrote about the importance of mental health last week?
Me: I mean, sure. I actually feel like I’m in a decent place, mentally. The Stoicism stuff about not judging or labeling situations as good or bad – they are just situations in which I decide what to do next – that’s been helpful.
Child me: Like Master Oogway in Kung Fu Panda! There is just news. There is no good or bad. But doesn’t he say that Tai Lung’s escape IS bad news. Isn’t cancer bad? Am I going to die?
Mother me: Everything will be ok. It’s not cancer. It’s just… it’s not NOT cancer either. We’ll be fine.
Also me: *sigh*
Pragmatic me: I don’t get to put my life on hold. I need a job, to make money. I told myself I’d find or create meaningful, lucrative work. My family is counting on me. It feels even more urgent now. We need new health insurance.
Writer me: I made a commitment to publishing once a week on Substack. If I back out on the commitments to myself, why am I even trying? I have to decide on a topic. I could write about this. About the struggle to decide.
Shame gremlin me: No. I should not publish this conversation. It’s not professional. What will people think? I need them to think I’m capable and worth hiring. This is not a good idea.
Mother me: Don’t mind her. She’s just scared.
Chief-of-Staff me: Publish it. I don’t want to project only my best self. That’s not real. People are not efficient machines, productive all the time. We’re messy and wonderful. I am an advocate.
Philosopher me: True. Still… what if I didn’t decide? What if I wrote about not deciding? What does it mean to decide, anyway?
Word nerd me: That’s simple, actually. To decide literally means to cut off. De means off. Cide means cut or kill. Suicide, homicide. So deciding is less about choosing a particular path than it is about cutting off options, saying no to other paths. So to not decide means I’m not saying no to anything.
Philosopher me: All I can ever do is decide what to do. Or not decide what to do. Which would be drifting. And I want to live my life, not let life happen to me.
Cynical me: Oh great, now we’re into pompous philosophizing and woo psychobabble.
Marketer me: No time for that. Publishing is the real work. Who’s our audience? What do they want or need to read?
Designer me: Yes. What’s the problem that we could solve for them?
Artist me: What if we just created something beautiful?
Strategist me: Wait. What are we actually trying to do here? What’s the change we seek to make?
Writer me: Did we just become a team? Who’s talking to who? I’m switching between second and first person, singular and plural.*
Teenage me: What the actual fuck? Laid off and now cancer?! Tell everyone. People will want to help.
Mother me: People do like to help.
Marketer me: :shrugs: It’s probably worth it.
Philosopher me: “Is it worth it?” is a value judgment. No need to judge. Instead, ask “Is it useful?”
Cynical me: That’s the same thing.
Strategist me: Not necessarily. Not everything that is worth it is useful. There are other types of value. For this, let’s focus on the goal and stick to what’s useful.
Writer me: Okay, okay. What’s useful is me writing words down. At least journaling. Anne Frank wrote, paper is more patient than people. The only person judging me is me. Write this stuff down. Be with it. Don’t judge it. Publish something because you made a promise to yourself, not to your subscribers. Most of them are your friends, anyway.
Mother me: You should really take a walk. It’s gorgeous outside. Maybe you’ll see a tree frog?
Thanks for reading. If this post made you smile, please share that smile with someone and consider also sharing this post.
Love,
Kate
p.s. Parts of this post were inspired by real conversations with my coach. He helps me tap into my inner wisdom.
Loud voices tend to think they’re right. At least, I’ve never heard someone shout something they weren’t sure about. Can you imagine?
It did indeed, Kate, and on an already tough day, not yet lunchtime. 🙄 Appreciate, like with infinity claps appreciate, your capturing and sharing a conversation that seems ripped from my own brain.
New to your writing and so excited to join you. xx
Ditto 🙌🏻