Here’s your weekly reminder to choose a path that serves you. If you’re not sure, ask yourself: Is this useful? Is it beautiful?
A note on the title: It’s not fair of me to say “men’s expectations” because this letter is not about just men. It’s about human expectations, which would be a weak sauce title compared to the literary reference. Thanks for the liberties. I appreciate you.
Hi!
It’s the longest day of the year and my shortest post to date. I’m thrilled that you’re here.
I’m also thrilled that my Kindle charger is small enough to fit through the tiny hole to access the port of my fancy schmancy computer mouse that died and wouldn’t charge because my cat sunk her needle teeth into the mouse’s power cord in such a way that I could not see it was damaged. Ugh!
If that sort of thing would piss you off, I don’t suggest having cats. Or kids.
People have expectations that things stay basically as they are, at least for an appropriate amount of time. Which makes sense. Life would be chaos without some predictability.
Still, it can’t always be predictable. When something changes unexpectedly, we get all up in arms. Allison Matlack, a former colleague of mine, calls it The Pufferfish Effect:
We get so full of anger, frustration, indignation … that we puff up like blowfish, making it impossible to have any kind of rational conversation or to find a way forward until we can calm back down and de-puff.
I find this adorable, useful, and beautiful because the character helps separate me from my reaction. The feeling I’m having is just a feeling, not a part of me. It’s the pufferfish.
It reminds me of how ancient peoples personified emotions as gods. Did you happen to read the post I wrote in February about shame?
This thing I’m feeling is not an inherent part of me. It’s just an emotion who’s visiting.
I feel afraid. But I am not a fearful person. Fear is not in me. Phobos is just present right now.
The separation helps keep us in the present moment. Just because I was frustrated about my cat’s destruction doesn’t mean I need to hold it against her forever, keep that feeling well past its initial visit. (I mean, the cat will undoubtedly eat something else inappropriate soon anyway, so no need to hang onto past grievances when a new one is forthcoming.)
It’s possible to do this with people too. To let them off the hook. We let cats (and dogs and babies and frankly lots of beings) get away with shit because they don’t know any better. But as soon as we judge that a person ought to know better, we’ve set an expectation. When that expectation is not met, we get upset. It’s not the other person or their actions that upsets us, it’s our expectations.
Excerpt from To a Mouse, by Robert Burns
But Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes of mice and men
Go oft awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!
See? Even the mouse had expectations.
Thank you for reading my words. Your attention is a gift.
Love,
Kate
p.s. I am taking next week off for a summer beach break with family and friends. See you in the future.
p.p.s. Like this letter? Help others get value from it, too. Please tap the heart, restack, or recommend. Please and thank you.
p.p.p.s. If you’re ready to make a commitment to personal growth and would like help (and accountability), send me a message. We can chat and see if it’s a good fit.