U/B 16: Frustrated? What did you expect?
Reflecting on growth and sloppy handwriting
What’s been useful or beautiful for you this week? Could you discard the other clutter?
TL;DR: If you’re frustrated, you may have had an expectation or judgment that wasn’t met. You can change this about yourself.
Hi!
I get frustrated at reality. Which is not useful and really quite silly.
What about you? ;)
A year ago, it was really bad. High anxiety. I’d been floundering at work, unhappy that I wasn’t making more progress. Then, as if to confirm my fear, I was laid off. That sparked a need to lighten up, find more joy, and figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
Ok, not actually “the rest of my life”, but certainly the foreseeable future.
This is Useful / Beautiful’s Sweet Sixteen — a sort of maturity marker — which feels like a good time to revisit my journal from a year ago and see how I’ve grown.
May I tell you about it?
You might find some of it useful. Or beautiful.
Here goes. What dark, miserable, secrets would the fated black notebook hold?
The stuff that keeps following me
Well, look at that! The second page lists curse-breaker and finding what you look for like 4-leaf clovers. See, I told you some themes keep showing up. Not too much change here.
The anxiety-ridden job-seeker stuff
A good chunk of the pages are a study in post-layoff anxiety. Questioning my worth. Analyzing my achievements. Drafting stories.
Past accomplishments are supposedly indicators of future success. That’s a story —not a fact — but one that hiring managers really want to believe.
I read these parts and see a woman burned out. Caught up in ego and fear. Wanting control. Needing legit security as well as a good deal more self worth and love.
The post-mortem / retro
Quite a bit of my scribblings attempt to diagnose what didn’t work in my last job.
Me then
People tended to be overly transparent but not clear.
Transparency is about access. Everything is open. Yay! This is great in theory. In practice, it felt like drinking from a firehouse.
Clarity is about understanding. When you can access everything, how do you know what is important? Could someone please get to the point? (I love editors1.)
Me today
Yeah, but people often didn’t get to the point. The firehose was my reality. And getting mad at reality is pointless.
This is how I know that I have grown.
My perspective has shifted. Now when I get annoyed, I recognize that my frustration stems from a judgment that the person should be acting differently (i.e. more clear).
I still value clarity and I might even have data to prove it’s more effective2. Doesn’t matter. They weren’t clear. That’s what is real.
What would I do differently today? I still get frustrated. But now I recognize it for what it is — my story, not reality — am better equipped to respond.
Me then
Oh, here’s a painful one. I experienced this as an individual contributor (IC) and held space for frustrated teammates as a manager and leader.
They told me to stop asking questions and just get the work done.
Ouch. That happened more than once. Not exactly in those words, but enough that I began to wonder…
Do you want to solve the problem? Or implement your idea?
Have you felt this?
Someone gets an idea, falls in love with it, and will. not. kill. that. darling? They want it. Meanwhile, I’m like That’s not actually my job. Please don’t tell me how to do my job. Wait. Is that supposed to be my job?
On top of that, it was like pulling teeth to get folks to commit to a goal e.g. “what success looks like”. But what if it fails? Then we learn and do something different next time! ARGH.
Me today
See, I still get worked up about it.
But at least now, I can pause. I can remember that my frustration is not just my high standards, but also due to an expectation and a judgment. Getting mad at reality is pointless.
Judgment: We should have had clear success metrics.
Fact: I couldn’t get people to agree to a clear success metric.
Bonus story: There was too much fear.
Agreements, not expectations
When I left the company, I thought the problem was a lack of “clear expectations”. I’ve since changed my mind, thanks to Steve Chandler, who’s work has convinced me that any expectations are hazardous to a relationship.
The gist is this: People would rather you agree with them than expect something of them.
So, I’ve learned to make agreements. Or at least ask to make them. It does requires a commitment, which can be hard to get when there is fear or a lack of trust/respect. Luckily, I now understand this and have better language to use. I could ask permission to challenge them, to work through the discomfort of deciding. If they say no, then it’s no longer my job to help them define success. It frees me up to go help someone who’s willing to commit.
Agreements vs expectations is now the first conversation I have with new clients.
The forward-facing dreams
Many notes looked at the past, but some looked forward.
Me then
Right now, I’m a leader of only myself. I have no team (beyond my family, who I serve every day). Who might I lead? What difference do I want to make in the world?
Dang. Pressure was on. Gotta change the world. But the sticky point is that I am a leader of only myself. That’s how it started.
I’m trying to “find a job”. The problem I really need to solve is how to trade effort for income, to discover who needs/wants what I have to offer.
Here, the visions of self-employment starting to take shape.3
Pair me with people who are moving but not getting anywhere.
Now we’re getting somewhere! Metaphorically.
Today’s notebook
I remember how it felt to be that person from a year ago. Have I really changed? My notebooks have. Check this out.
The handwriting is sloppier, pencil flying across the page, not in the lines (I did switch to a dot grid, which might have something to do with that). It’s like I can’t get the words out fast enough.
I’m obviously in a better frame of mind. There is still contemplation and wonder, but less need to prove my worth. The content is less “I gotta figure this out” and more “This is fascinating”.
So many books! So much wisdom! If I could just absorb it all and be better? But that’s the crux — it assumes (I assume) I’m not enough as it. That I don’t already have all I need.
That is really pretty cool. That I can acknowledge that I may be enough. The post-layoff notebook was full of am-I-even-good-enough statements and now it’s all easy-breezy. Some days. The day I wrote this page, at least.
All of this points to being too in my head.
Making a big deal of things.
None of it matters.
Just be.
In the past, I was living in the past. Maybe out of necessity to prove myself to other people who wanted to determine my worth based on my past.
Today, I can reflect on the past, but I live in the present. I am what I am right now, not what I was yesterday or last year.
Of course, all of this could be bullshit and I’m finding what I look for, not all of what’s there. But that’s life as a human with biases. C’est la vie. Out of curiosity, what do you see?
Thank you for reading my words. Your attention is a gift.
Love,
Kate
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Thanks to
and for the memes.Someday I will hire an editor to improve these letters.
People ignoring data drives the data-driven people crazy. Vroom vroom
I called off the job search and choose self-employment about 4 months in. I felt called to create, rather than find, my work.